When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
