she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Randomize
