"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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