Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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