So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
