# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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