so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
