the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
