he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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