Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
