I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
