We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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