1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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