running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize