Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
