So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
