i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize