I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize