thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You left your underwear on the fireplace
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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