Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
