my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
