oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
