Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
