i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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