Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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