Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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