someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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