Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
