Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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