FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
