My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
