I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
