i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize