Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
