On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
