im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
