i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
