I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
