Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They have beer where we have blood.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
