So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
