Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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