When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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