I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
