Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
