He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
