Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
