What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
