I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
