I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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