woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
