If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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