Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
