At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
