I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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