mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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