I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Boobs speak an international language.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
